We'll Shoot Back Holy Water Like Cheap Whiskey...
07.28.06 (9:53 pm) [edit]There is an overwhelming, recurring feeling of sadness that has kept me crying day in and and day out for too long now.
I'm actually frightened.
There isn't a "calm before the storm" in my world-this breeds suspicion, anxiety, fear, sadness and tears. It's a tornado before the bomb drops.
That's kind of how I've been feeling lately.
Crying:
IS FOR THE WEAK.
Hell, when I was younger and I cried, I'd get smacked even harder because I would cry so much that I couldn't catch my breath. So it isn't as though crying got *or gets* me any kind of comfort.
All crying does is piss people off.
And yet I can't stop doing it almost all of the time.
Do I think my lovely Zoloft and Clonazepam and Wellbutrin take away the pain? Well, sometimes I really do think that I'd be dead without them. Some days I wonder if they make me worse. But I still hurt.
Do I think that the Ultracet or 800mgs of Ibuprofen take away the pain? Some days they will dull it a bit.
Do I think that all these years of therapy have done me any good? Come on.
I exist.
Yet,
I love.
Yet,
I lose.
And Still,
I hurt.
And Always,
I cry.
And this is only the tip o' the iceberg.
You Said You'd Read Me Like A Book...
07.28.06 (1:00 pm) [edit]When things go wrong, they REALLY go wrong...
On a much larger level, a much larger scale.
Sometimes emotions, thoughts, memories change so rapidly that even I can't keep up.
So I can't very well expect anyone else to keep up either.
Many times I don't, not consciously anyway.
I always seem to think that people are on the same "page" as me.
That they think like me.
That they "know" like me.
That they are like me.
And time and time again, I get knocked on my ass with the reality of them, me, the world. Each time, it gets me totally by surprise, or at least, I react as if it does.
I don't think that I'm better than anyone else for thinking the way that I do, or not thinking for that matter, I'm just me.
Sometimes, somewhere, I will accept that.
Understand that.
Be at peace with that.
But The Pages Are All Torn And Frayed.
Yes, THE ABSOLUTE theme song of my life. I THANK MCR every day since they found me.
The Number You Are Calling...
07.20.06 (7:28 pm) [edit]Since I'm unable to get to other blogs that I WANT to go to for some unknown reason, I thought I'd just try and write something.
What in THE holy hell is wrong with this world?
Yes, well, if anyone is able answer that million dollar question, please feel free to let me know.
Or should I say, if anyone knows how to FIX this world, feel free to let me know.
The ones in this life that make life worth living:
Cannot be "kept".
Cannot be "helped".
Cannot be "saved".
They can only be LOVED until the day that they are gone.
And in my FairyTale Land of Make-Believe:
They never go away.
They never get sick.
They never die.
I refuse to believe that there isn't help out there.
I refuse to believe that there isn't a way to make this shit dump of a world a better place.
I refuse to believe that there isn't Hope.
Welcome to my world of delusions.
Sadness Closes My Eyes Now.
Sleep well dear ones.
I love you so very much.
May tomorrow be a better day, or at least, not worse.
KnOcK kNoCk...
07.18.06 (11:08 am) [edit]Who's There?
Anti.
Anti Who?
Anti-Social.
Yes, well, that is a little old joke that my nephew was told to tell me once...only he pronounced Anti as Auntie, with a speech impediment.
Har. Har.
I am anti-social and I'm not. With my family, or friends or anyone else.
It depends on the time you "get" me. Where my head is at.
I like to try and excuse myself from anywhere or anyone that I feel I can no longer be around, due to the many "issues" that I have. Thus the little joke.
Joke as it may be to them, but I've explained to everyone repeatedly that I need my space. And in a place where there's wall to wall people, issues and drama, sometimes you just have to find a place to hide.
I do this as often as I can.
Sometimes people just overwhelm me, their ignorance astounds me, and their voices deafen me.
Sounds rather judgmental, doesn't it? I've had a long time to sit back and watch and listen to those around me.
I've had a long time to think of what I've been "taught" and what I believe, and how to distinguish the differences. How to strive towards "better".
I live in a box with my family.
This box happens to be in a box of a town.
This town is in a box of a County.
This County is in a box away from the "Real" City.
The "Real" City, I'm told isn't so much of a box, but a bit more open.
I try my best to think outside of the box. I do not claim to be perfect.
But don't tell me what to do
How to think
How to Be
I'm just
ME.
And so it begins
07.17.06 (6:21 pm) [edit]Yes, there is Italian Blood coursing around somewhere in my body.
And with this fact, I thought I would make my blog a little more interesting, use a little Italian.
Making things a little more interesting has worked for me so far.
Still testing, still trying to "tweak" things, make them look the way I'd like them to.
Thinking on what I may like to share, or not.
Here goes nothing.
