MY own CHEMICAL ROMANCE

By The Choices That I Make...

I know that the time has come for me to REALLY start thinking about the next leg of my journey.

It is not that I do not love my family.  I do a GREAT deal.

It is not that I do not care for my family.  I do TREMENDOUSLY.

When a ship is sinking, you don't invite others onto the boat to go down with you.

My sister *the new owner of the house* and her fiancé re-invited my other sister *who is going through a divorce* and my two nephews *4 and 1/2 and 9 months* to come and live here.  So that she can get on her feet, not be alone and be able to transition to her "new life" better.  Oh, and to get some extra money to pay for the bills that they already don't have the money to pay.

I can't do this any more.

I can't keep going this way.

I know that I'm in pain and hurting and need to save my son and myself.  I want to save my mother too, if she wants to be saved.  I say "save" because I understand the extra stressors that will come along with three new people living in this house.  I understand that things just keep getting worse here in the first place, let alone adding others to the mix.  Save means live, survive, get  healthier, have less stress...

I will have to seriously talk with my mother as to whether or not she wants to get out of here with me.  Just spoke with her, for about an hour, she's overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed.  I am looking at this as self-preservation.  I'm not asking for an immediate decision.  I do know that after a year of living like this and things continuing to get worse, it isn't going to get better. 

I will have to seriously talk with my uncle *who scares the piss out of me* and see if he still has an apartment for either 3 or 2.  The three would be the triangle-my mother, my son, and myself.  The two would be the circle-my son and myself.  That is, if she can't bear to leave the house she grew up in and lived in and was passed down for generations. 

I could swing the rent he says he charges, but utilities are a MUCH different story.  We would not have cable, I don't know how we'd get electricity, I have a cell phone, so I wouldn't need that.  No internet.  Not much to eat.  Is it really healthier?

You see, I have to find a way to come up with some money to file Bankruptcy first.  If that is even possible any more.  I have to go to court in October because I am being sued.  There's always a first time for everything.

Sure, I applied for credit cards years ago, sure I used them.  Sure I was disabled at the time and I thought that I could still swing the payments on the cards.  Sure I was manic at the time when I applied and charged and owed.  Sure I spent the "money" on groceries and prescriptions and gifts for family members and even bought myself a few things.  I admit to that.  I know that I owe the money.  I can't even buy my groceries lately, my mother has been footing the bill for that.  Where will I ever get the money to pay all of these companies back?  I don't have it.  I don't have ANY money.  Bills are paid, groceries are being paid for, at least for now...going to hell in a hand basket, no, wait, I'm already there.

And I've tried to "hide" for years now, but they always find me.  Especially the Student Loan people...we won't EVEN go there.

So here I sit, tired, emotionally drained, burning hole in my stomach, still thinking.

Still hoping that things will work out in some way, that people won't take what I feel I have to do as personal attacks.  That they won't feel as though I don't love them.  That they won't feel like I don't care.

I do SO much that I have to step outside of it all in order to feel better to want to help others, not have things forced on me.

I'm going to bed now, hoping for some sleep, need to babysit again tomorrow.  No rest for the wicked my friends...

And I will be seen as a very wicked fiend.

And Someone Save My Soul Tonight...

hypochondriac:
n : a patient with imaginary symptoms and ailments

So, good news, my CT and X-Ray of the abdomen came back negative!

Damn, I just KNEW that my imagination would come in handy someday...

Thanks doc, maybe my high cholesterol and high platelet count *the only things I haven't ever complained about* will give me a big 'ol stroke or heart attack...

It still isn't going to tell me what the hell is wrong with everything else I suffer from...but wait, all the tests come back negative...so I guess it's just me.

When I just disappear, will you remember me?

As Snow Falls On Desert Sky Until The End...

Through the Looking Glass...

I force myself out of bed.

I force myself to do my "morning things".

I force myself to enjoy my Crossword and Coffee-time.

I force myself to keep my mouth shut, when the world is coming down all around me, and also literally-the ceiling in the kitchen fell on us last week.

I force myself to feel happy for the sake of others.

It takes so much energy.  Energy that I do not have.

I FEEL too much, I'm not able to "shut down" what I "pick up" or to distinguish the difference between what is "mine" and what is coming from someone else.

I think that some of the biggest emotions that I feel are hurt, pain, sadness, to an intense degree.

To a degree so immense that it overwhelms me and I drown within myself.

Due to my fear of being "out on my own" *especially out there with my son* I stay.

I stay in a place that is not good for my health.  Mentally and Physically.  I do as they say.  I keep my mouth shut.  I am the doormat.

Somewhere inside, I fear that I like being the doormat.

I fear that I like to be mentally abused.  If anything, it gives me some character.

I fear that I prance around and send off signals that I want to be walked on, that I want people to take advantage of me.

If this is true, I'll never be able to break the cycle, and I will die never knowing what it's like to be free.  I'll never know what it is like to fly.

If it isn't true, I think that I must be the stupidest person alive, and I deserve to never know what it's like to be free.  What it is like to fly.

I'm tired.

I'm tired and sick, on a lot of levels.