MY own CHEMICAL ROMANCE

Where to begin?
Where to end.

Reality.
What is it?  Is it the place where I will go to feel pain, to feel helpless, to feel horrible every waking moment?

Is the place that I "escape" to so bad?  Is it a place that I do not belong?  At least there, I am able to let go of some of the pain, feel a little bit empowered, and I don't feel horrible.

Where is the line?

This line I speak of is the line where the two places blend.  Where the transition from one to the other isn't a shock, a punch in the face, devastation.

I can't find it.  I can't make sense of it.  I have always gone to "my own little world", the one inside of my head, the one that I've made up, when things were "bad" for me, or those around me.  That place is a place that sometimes gets tainted with "reality".  When that happens, it's not okay...I become even less okay.

What do you do about the reality that has been continuing on around you while you were "away", in that "safe place"?  Where do you begin to fix things?  Perhaps the first step is to not go to that "safe place" as often, and work on fixing the things that are going on around you that hurt you.  I do not know how to do that.  I am lazy, if you will, I would rather sit in one spot, where at least I know what I live with every day, than to even try to change things.  The thoughts of changing anything feels paralyzing.

The grass isn't always greener.
I do not know moderation.
I am sinking in the quicksand.

Do something?
I can't. or I won't.  The more you try and make me, the more resistant I will be, but that is not the case across the board.

Many a days I don't feel as though I make any sense.  I don't understand why I do what I do or why I am the way that I am. And of course, I gauge myself against everyone else, or who I perceive everyone else to be, which is not me.

This whole preamble is pointless if I never get to why I really wanted to write anything at all.

Happy what?
Today is supposed to be special? To whom?

What has happened to me-Trips down memory lane, reality sinking in that I do not have the family I once had. The family that I thought I once had was one I created in my own head with the characters that were related to me.  Some of those characters have died. 

All I can seem to think about are those who have passed, this is something that I tend to do around Halloween...only this year, Halloween was not what it used to be for me.  Not in any way, shape, or form.  None of the holidays are, and I guess I'm freaking out because the reality of everything is hitting me.  Knocking me over, bruising me, picking scabs...making me bleed.

Why is it that the characters that are in my scenes aren't the way that they are in real life?  Why can't they be caring and loving and understanding and non-judgmental.  Why can't some characters slide into other roles that I've created, and be accepted?  Because I have to start over, I have to take new characters and create a whole new play.  I have to make a new one.  I am petrefied to do so.

My first instinct, retreat.  Hide.  Burrow down deep.  Go back to my "safe place", but this time, reality has trickled in and tainted my "safe place".  I can't have the same little delusions that I used to have, when the characters are never again going to be in the scenes that I've created for them, their roles are extinct.

What is family?  Is it just a biological bond between people?  Is it a group of people that really love and care for one another? Is it a concept that we've been forced to accept due to Society and the Media?  Does it exist?  When my lines blur, this is what happens to me.

I have no idea what I'm trying to prove.  I have no idea what it is that I think that I am doing.  I have no idea why things are the way that they are. 

I can stand here and SCREAM as long and as loud as I want that things aren't fair, all I am going to be is hoarse...for my words fall on deaf ears. 

Who really cares?

I'm out there, yeah, way the fuck out there...welcome to my world.